Tuesday, 25 June 2013
Fertility Update - Test Results part 1
Do you ever just sit back and wonder when a bit of luck may come your way? That's what I was doing last week when I rang the docs last week and then the receptionist told me my blood results and then said "Oh your scan results are back too- do you want them?" and suddenly the world stopped spinning.
"No action required" she said.
Well that's amazing I thought. No more needles or scans until hubby has had his sperm analysis.
"I'll make you an appointment to come and discuss the findings with a doctor"
And just like that she burst my bubble. Like the pic? It's stolen from google. Good isn't it?. Anyway, lots of questions were swimming round my head at the moment and well you know me I never process anything that effectively and for a few minutes I did panic a bit. Then I was left feeling a bit what the......? (feel free to insert your own swear word here, remember it's a family blog though people!).
So as it stands all my bloods are 'normal', a few cysts were picked up on the scan but I was reassured that they were of no concern at the moment, but I guess I'll find out more Friday. There were 'a few cysts' on my ovaries when I was scanned back in 2008 when we were struggling to conceive last time but I have conceived twice since then. Even if one did end in miscarriage so how much trouble could they be causing? Well? You don't know do you? Nor me. Roll on Friday.
Hubby's sperm analysis is the 2nd of July. If that comes back normal too I'm curious to know what happens next. Will we lose our place in the fertility clinic? Is that it we just give up? Keep trying? What? Who knows.
It's amazing the effect all this has on a marriage though. For all the women I have spoken too this process either brings them closer together or they drift slightly apart [from their husbands], only during the testing phase when everything is all up in the air and unknown. I'm sad to say we are the latter. I have never quite felt so distant from my husband as I do right now. More my fault then his, my desire for another child is quite literally taking over all that I am, and him? Well I think he's OK. He's happy and feels lucky to have Charlie as he got what he has always wanted. A son name Charlie. Me? I seem to be unable to shake this NEED to give Charlie a sibling, someone to play with, grow up with, rely on when they are older and hubby and I are no longer here. I seem to have this ache constantly inside of me that I just can't shake off. Like I am MEANT to have more babies, but just can't. Then I am hit with the guilt and shame of being so desperate for another baby when there's women out there going through this exact same process that don't even have one, that have never even seen a positive pregnancy test. Then for a brief time I think 'what will be will be' and then as quick as you can imagine the aching and longing come back again..........