Tuesday, 15 October 2013

Anger, Break ups and then the best news ever (almost)!

I haven't blogged for a while. I will be honest, it's simply because I have been in a bad place and I didn't want my blog filled with negativity. So I decided it was best to stay away until I got my self together. You'll be pleased to know I have :).
August and September are always hard for us. Every year's the same as we remember our Angel's anniversaries tensions get fraught and this year the 26th September marked 3 years since our last loss. Our 'rice' as the baby was nicknamed. The last piece of our puzzle, our perfect age gap, our souls were destroyed that day.
Many of you will have been in similar circumstances I'm sure. Losing a baby, at any stage, changes everything. The way you feel about about yourself, each other, the guilt, the grief, the what if's? Even though people tell I should be grateful for what I have and move on, I can't. Intact it's one of my most hated statements ever. 'Move on'? Never. Gonna. Happen.
This year has been probably the worst so far. There was so much anger and hate in this house and I felt so neglected with hubby working so much I just couldn't take it anymore and I thought the best thing to do was leave. I applied for a housing association home near my mother and got all mine and C's important documents ready and I really was ready to leave.

I didn't leave.

I wasn't scared, I had plenty of support around me so the transition would have been relatively easy, for me. I have no idea how C would have responded. That did scare and worry me a little.
Nothing in life is easy though is it. Grieving for a baby you wanted so desperately certainly isn't easy. Even 3 years later.
It has been worth staying though, I think, for now. I am slowly actually putting some effort into rebuilding myself. Forcing myself to talk to people and I have been pleasantly surprised by the outcome.
And the good news? We see our fertility consultant for the first time on the 31st October. I cannot wait to get this process going and hopefully give C a little Bro or Sis SOON!! Six months of almost non stop tests has definitely been worth it :).

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