Fertility Update - Test Results part 1

      Do you ever just sit back and wonder when a bit of luck may come your way? That's what I was doing last week when I rang the docs last week and then the receptionist told me my blood results and then said "Oh your scan results are back too- do you want them?" and suddenly the world stopped spinning.
"No action required" she said.
Well that's amazing I thought. No more needles or scans until hubby has had his sperm analysis.
"I'll make you an appointment to come and discuss the findings with a doctor"

And just like that she burst my bubble. Like the pic? It's stolen from google. Good isn't it?. Anyway, lots of questions were swimming round my head at the moment and well you know me I never process anything that effectively and for a few minutes I did panic a bit. Then I was left feeling a bit what the......? (feel free to insert your own swear word here, remember it's a family blog though people!).
So as it stands all my bloods are 'normal', a few cysts were picked up on the scan but I was reassured that they were of no concern at the moment, but I guess I'll find out more Friday. There were 'a few cysts' on my ovaries when I was scanned back in 2008 when we were struggling to conceive last time but I have conceived twice since then. Even if one did end in miscarriage so how much trouble could they be causing? Well? You don't know do you? Nor me. Roll on Friday.

Hubby's sperm analysis is the 2nd of July. If that comes back normal too I'm curious to know what happens next. Will we lose our place in the fertility clinic? Is that it we just give up? Keep trying? What? Who knows.
It's amazing the effect all this has on a marriage though. For all the women I have spoken too this process either brings them closer together or they drift slightly apart [from their husbands], only during the testing phase when everything is all up in the air and unknown. I'm sad to say we are the latter. I have never quite felt so distant from my husband as I do right now. More my fault then his, my desire for another child is quite literally taking over all that I am, and him? Well I think he's OK. He's happy and feels lucky to have Charlie as he got what he has always wanted. A son name Charlie. Me? I seem to be unable to shake this NEED to give Charlie a sibling, someone to play with, grow up with, rely on when they are older and hubby and I are no longer here. I seem to have this ache constantly inside of me that I just can't shake off. Like I am MEANT to have more babies, but just can't. Then I am hit with the guilt and shame of being so desperate for another baby when there's women out there going through this exact same process that don't even have one, that have never even seen a positive pregnancy test. Then for a brief time I think 'what will be will be' and then as quick as you can imagine the aching and longing come back again..........

Fertility Update- taken another detour.

Pic source: Google

       You may remember back at the start of April I went to see a new doctor who was gracious and offered me help and sent me for blood tests etc which came back normal and I was left feeling like everything was going to be OK. Someone had listened so all was good, right?

WRONG!

       Time ticked by and I patiently waited for for either a positive OPK or a visit from Aunt Flo (sorry guys reading this). Neither came. In fact they still haven't on cycle day 114!!!! Yes you did read that write and no it isn't a miss print I actually mean cycle day One Hundred and Fourteen! **Faints**.
       So cycle day 103 after a tearful and emotional night hubby took himself down to the doctors at 8.15am and basically told the doctors receptionist that he wasn't leaving until I was seen. Alas, they gave him an appointment for me for that day at 10.20am. I took my mother- in- law in for back up in case I broke down and didn't make sense. This doctor like the last one listened and said there was more tests that can be done and I left that day with another form for more bloods (eeeep, needles *faints again*) and also a referral for a scan and the promise of a referral to a specialist. Woo hoo. The scan has come through already but I will probably have a wait for the specialist appointment.
      I am still waiting for the second lot of blood results. But the doctor did prescribe me something called Utovlan which will apparently bring on a visit from Old Aunt Flo after the 10 day course. We'll see. For now things are feeling bleak but hopeful, if that's even possible? Bleak because this time 3 years ago I was just about to fall pregnant with what should have been my fourth baby and 3 years on we're still getting nowhere and my dream of close age gaps has all but fizzled out now. But hopeful because at least things are getting done. If you have any stories about your fertility I would love to here them. Hopeful, sad, happy endings all welcome. Supplement recommendations etc are also welcome. I love hearing about every ones experiences.

The drug of hope ;)

Doctor's Update - Finally someone listened

          In all my previous attempts to get someone to listen to my concerns about how my cycles have been, not just since I actually started my period some 10 years ago, but especially since I lost Rice back in 2010 I have NEVER had such a positive doctors appointment as what I had today!
          Normally I get brushed off as emotionally unstable (still grieving for last baby), to fat, not enough symptoms, too young to be worrying (I am 24 this month), got plenty of time blah blah blah, But today. Today was different. I was welcomed into a room with a warm smile by a doctor with all the right body language, weird?, perhaps but normally I am welcomed by stiff boards who just want you in and out and look at me as if thinking "oh look the chubby ones back again, still not pregnant, lets make her feel like crap" - even if this is not so, it's how I'm made to feel. Today's doctor however turned to me, not just her head but her whole body, despite running over half an hour late (there was an emergency to deal with I believe) she made me feel as if she had all the time in the world.

     
        She listened intently to my desires, my desire that I wanted to finish my family before I finished Uni so that when i go back into the working world every penny I earn can be spent cherishing the children I have been blessed with and I wanted to be young enough to enjoy them and that I never wanted such a big age gap and would have preferred to have several close together. I am more realistic now in that my big family won't happen but I told her I just want one more chance, a chance to give Charlie a sibling, to do they 'baby thing' one more time.........and she smiled.
       Now please don't think me ungrateful. I know how blessed I am to have 1 child but my ovaries? my heart? my womb perhaps? are screaming for a baby. Charlie constantly asks for a baby sister (I think this is more influenced by the fact people assume we want one of each and always saying sister around him - this is not the case, I just want to be PREGNANT!!) and my whole body just aches for the whole process, the pregnancy, the labour, the breastfeeding, the nappies, oh how I love my teeny tiny cloth nappies that i have been stashing away for 2+ years, then there's the first smile, the first time they vomit in your hubby's mouth when he fly's them around like aeroplanes, you wouldn't think they would make the same mistake twice but they do,  and so on and so forth. I imagine it's the same feeling women get when they hit 35 and suddenly their body clock is ticking, mines just ticking much earlier than normal!.

       She was honest and heart warming and above all thoroughly reassuring and said she was more than willing to help at least see if there is anything wrong with me, but I have to do my bit. I HAVE to shift some weight. So that is what I will do, for real this time because now it's really worth something and I am no longer stuck in my black cloud. On Monday I have to have some blood taken. What happens from that point is yet to be seen but it is a start. It is a step forward. There is no reason for me to hide anymore, whatever the tests reveal I need to move forward. Now just to get hubby to the docs for his sperm test.....wish me luck