Wednesday, 12 February 2014

'Not Trying, Not Preventing'

Hubby has given up. A new cycle began over a week ago and he came out and "I don't want to 'TRY' anymore". 

It's been just over 3.5 years we've been trying now. My cycles are out of control and my PCOS symptoms are getting worse not better. Even with inositol. 
One of the major downsides to PCOS is getting more than one positive OPK a cycle. It's almost like your body gears up for ovulation and then it just doesn't happen. Well apparently these tests are driving hubby to despair. They are miniature forms of torture because they give you a false sense of hope when actually they were just designed to tease women like me. 

So we've entered this whole 'not trying, not preventing scenario which I've always thought to be a bit of a cop out. Your either trying or your not? But now I'm in this predicament I guess I'm going to have to change my opinion on that. 

I feel completely out of control of the one small thing I had left in my life that I actually had control over. No temping, no testing, now tracking CM ( well he can't really stop that from happening can he?). It's been so long now. We're both feeling drained. I thought I'd be done having kids by now. I think my dream of 4 will be stopping at 2 though. I feel drained and depressed with a side of guilt because whilst I sit here thinking 'why me?' There's couples out there been trying much longer and don't even have 1 kid yet but I can't help how I feel. I wish I could. I know my depression has reared it's ugly head and I'm not sleeping again. Because of my ridiculously long cycles my chances of a 2014 baby are already gone. Unless by some Miracle my cycle is shorter than it is normally. 

This is just a ranty post because I need to let it out some where. I just want to know when it going to be my turn again? 

Tuesday, 4 February 2014

"Gender Disappointment" Is it real?

This post has been inspired by the very carageous post by The Badass Breastfeeder (linking Isn't working on the app so I'll post a linknto her post at the end of the post.)

When I fell pregnant with C something told me this was going to be my take home baby. At last. I didnt really think about gender at any point. I just automatically assumed I would have a girl. I dont know why. But as I started preparing for what laid ahead all that was in my head was 'my daughter'. 

I wanted to be a mum for as long as I can remember. But whenever I pictured motherhood it was always pigtails and dresses and shopping trips with my little girl. I never once in the entire time I was trying to conceive even thought that my baby might be a boy. Football kits and rainy Saturdays spent on a cold pitch? Not really my scene.

I pictured helping my daughter during her pregnancy, going baby shopping, watching her get married and having someone to simply have an amazing relationship with.

At 16 weeks pregnant we went for a private gender scan. As she scanned over my belly I caught a glimpse of his genitals. My heart sank a little bit. The the sonographer confirmed it. I thumbed up to hubby and put on a fake cheerful face. I was in shock. I didnt even know what boys liked to eat (it turns out the same as girls, ya know, FOOD!).

I was numb for a couple of weeks. I lost my mojo for getting ready. That was until I hit 21 weeks. By then I'd had weeks of my MIL (Mother in Law) calling my baby 'my boy' and giving me random bits of advice
About raising boys and how hard work they are blah blah blah.

At 21 weeks I broke. I said to hubby "I would rather kill me and this baby right now than your mother use MY son to try and replace your brother" (thats another story for another time) He didnt even get mad. But did do his best to reassure me that she wouldnt take over. But wahoo I'd finally said my son! Excitement kinda kicked in after this. I did have to to check between his legs when he was born but if im honest it was just so amazing just to hold this warm (slippery) gorgeous little boy that it didnt even matter what gender he was anymore. Boys have loads of great
qualities. I dont know what made me so fixated on thinking I would have a girl no questions asked. I grew up as one of 3 girls until my little brother was born 5 months before I left home. So maybe I just desired the whole sister bond thing for my own children. But brothers can get on well aswell cant they? (please say yes).

I've learnt alot the last few years. Especially since its taken 3.5 years so far to conceive number 2. I've (almost) let go of my desire for PINK and it turns out that kids like all the same things. This whole gender divide thing is all grown ups doing. I would still really love a daughter, but if I have 12 boys first so be it ;).

I do think gender dissapointment is a real thing. My instinct was wrong but I learned to live with it. No woman should be shot down for thinkung their baby is a specific gender and being disappointed when they're not. Try to respect their feelings because chances are once that baby is born those feelings will dissapear.

Heres the link to the badass breastfeeders blog post: