PCOS: Cycle 1 2014: What are we trying this cycle?

Entering our 4th year of TTC baby no2 and, well, ive given up hope but I'm still not ready to give up trying and yes I know that makes no sense.

Reasons for giving up hope are, hubby and I literally get no time together. Our 4 year old still sleeps with me and has stopped sleeping 7pm -11pm recently which used to be our bit of time together (when he wasnt on lates or sleep ins) but now C is up and down like a yo yo and some nights I wonder why I even bothered climbing the stairs to bed. The lack of sleep and our 8 hours of 'us' time a week seems to have left us bickering worse than ever and we are really good bickerers ;) (is that even a word?).
The other reason is probably clear from the picture in this post. I had just 3 complete cycles in 2013. Just 3 chances to conceive the precious bundle I so desperately long for. 

The first cycle of 2014, because of their longevity, began of the 1st Dec 2013. This cycle im taking the usual Sanatogen mum to be and mumomega and hubby is continuing his wellman reproduction. But this cycle I am also taking inositol which seems to becoming a popular product in the PCOS community and you can read more about it here. I will also Finally be using the kit that was sent to me by the fine people at Zestica.

Today is CD13 so I still have a long way to go going by this years cycles. 
Who knows what 2014 will bring.

Where HAVE you been?

If you have ever seen Harry Potter you can probably remember Mrs Weasly screeching that when Ron, Fred and George came back from rescuing Harry in the second film.

So where HAVE I been?

I believe I left you a little stranded just before our appointment with the fertility consultant and life just kind of took over and the blog has been abandened.

Well it turned out I do in fact have PCOS. I know I was a bit peeved after being told I didnt have it but never mind. Hubby is a ok though so I guess thats something. We've been discharged though until I have lost weight. No real guidence or support just "lose weight and if no luck in 12 months come back".

Great.

I did feel good on the day but since then I feel like I have kinda been left t to swim in a lake of black tar. I feel completely alone. Stupid I know.
I did join a couple if PCOS groups on facebook but thr women are so low, practically suicidal from all the symptoms and the no luck conceiving. I feel so awful for them. Im so lucky to have just one child. But this longing- I just cannot seem to shift it.

What else has happened? Well C turned the big 4 today. Cannot believe he will be starting school in 9 months. 

I think thats all for now. I do have giveaways and reviews to sort out but I think I may leave them until the new year now. Something for you all to luck forward too. ;)

Anger, Break ups and then the best news ever (almost)!

I haven't blogged for a while. I will be honest, it's simply because I have been in a bad place and I didn't want my blog filled with negativity. So I decided it was best to stay away until I got my self together. You'll be pleased to know I have :).
August and September are always hard for us. Every year's the same as we remember our Angel's anniversaries tensions get fraught and this year the 26th September marked 3 years since our last loss. Our 'rice' as the baby was nicknamed. The last piece of our puzzle, our perfect age gap, our souls were destroyed that day.
Many of you will have been in similar circumstances I'm sure. Losing a baby, at any stage, changes everything. The way you feel about about yourself, each other, the guilt, the grief, the what if's? Even though people tell I should be grateful for what I have and move on, I can't. Intact it's one of my most hated statements ever. 'Move on'? Never. Gonna. Happen.
This year has been probably the worst so far. There was so much anger and hate in this house and I felt so neglected with hubby working so much I just couldn't take it anymore and I thought the best thing to do was leave. I applied for a housing association home near my mother and got all mine and C's important documents ready and I really was ready to leave.

I didn't leave.

I wasn't scared, I had plenty of support around me so the transition would have been relatively easy, for me. I have no idea how C would have responded. That did scare and worry me a little.
Nothing in life is easy though is it. Grieving for a baby you wanted so desperately certainly isn't easy. Even 3 years later.
It has been worth staying though, I think, for now. I am slowly actually putting some effort into rebuilding myself. Forcing myself to talk to people and I have been pleasantly surprised by the outcome.
And the good news? We see our fertility consultant for the first time on the 31st October. I cannot wait to get this process going and hopefully give C a little Bro or Sis SOON!! Six months of almost non stop tests has definitely been worth it :).


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Our Butlins excitement.

     I applied to be a Butlins Ambassador this year. It was a long shot and I knew that. My blog is fairly new compared to other fantastic bloggers out there and my lack of Facebook likers and twitter follower numbers didn't stead in my favour,  but still when I got my 'rejection' email I was a little disappointed.

     My mum came by yesterday with a surprise up her sleeve. It's been a hard year in lots of ways, ways we don't talk about to anybody, but my mum declared that she wanted to pay for a break for us to give us something to look forward too, a 3 night weekend break in October - to Butlins. We literally could not be more grateful for this and are really excited. It's going to do us all the world of good and as my mum paid for the premium dining package also we've not got to worry about trying to find to much spending money, after all there is plenty of free things for Charlie to do all day and all the way up to bedtime and then some!

    I will do more blog posts on the run up to our break away. We've been to Butlins twice since Charlie was born and its great family break away in the UK.

Latest Baby Bargain - #TTC baby stash

Just a quick post to share with you my latest baby bargain. I've not bought anything for a while and have taken a break from adding to my nappy stash until I am actually pregnant but when I got my smiley face last weekend I couldn't help but have a peek at baby stuff on eBay. And that's when I came across a sleep sack, brand new for a bargain £1.99 plus £2.45 1st class recorded delivery. It's Arrived today and its better than I expected. I thought it would be seconds or have a fault of some sort but it doesn't. It's nice and thin maybe 0.5 tog so ideal if my next baby will be like Charlie and get boiling hot even in the peak of winter- most definitely takes after his dad there!!! 

Anyway if you want to get one for yourself it's eBay item number: 251273921762 sorry I can't post a link as I'm blogging via my iPod. Oh the sack says its for ages 3-9 months. 

Here's the picture I stole from the listing itself :p 

I OVULATED!!!! (I think) - TTC, current cycle.

This cycle is going rather well, well compared to normal anyways. For a start I'VE OVUATED. For definate. I think for definate. 

Last Friday marked 3 years since I last got a BFP. Progressively over the week my ovulation tests had gotten darker and darker and then Friday (26th July 2013) the test line became darker then the control line and I sobbed. Happy sobs but sobbed all the same.  

For several cycles now my ovulation tests have never gotten quite dark enough to be called 'positive'  so my excitement led me to try a digital test. My heart was pounding whilst it was 'reading' my test I actually thought it was going to fall out of my chest. And then.... The smiley face came (see pic at end of post). 

I thought I was going to faint. I couldn't believe it. I was so excited and then a bit gutted as hubby was on a sleep in, he's a support worker and does the occasional 23 hour shift of which he happened to be on that night. 

All was not lost though and I can assure you, my dear readers that we have done everything we can to 'try' this weekend. Including using pre seed for the first time.   I will do a review on this at some point. 

Last but not least these positive ovulation tests happened on cycle day 40. My last cycle was a whopping 128 days so I'm relieved at this happening now meaning this cycle should be over one way or another in 2 weeks time. 

So happy right now I can't tell you. Please keep everything crossed for me, pray for me of you believe in god. Send your bucket load of baby dust it would make my millennium if this was my time.  I'll let you know.  ;) 

Are ready meals taking over our lives?

   I find it crazy to think that if my Great, Great Grandmother was alive now she wouldn't recognise half of the food we eat today. We're living in a world now where we're looking more for convenience and forgetting about our health. A £2 pizza and a £1.47 bag of oven chips that can cook in less than 20 minutes over a chicken, potatoes and vegetables that not only take time to prepare but can take anything up to 2 hours to cook and costs more towards the £7 mark seems so much more appealing both financially and  time wise in our current time poor money even poorer (I know, no extra marks for good English here!) lives.

   I love a Sunday roast as much as anyone. But the preparation, the time, and even the cost sometimes can put me off a little. Then there's the mountain of washing up, which hubby does most of the time, but it just fills me with dread. 3 hours of my day when I have a child, studying, cleaning and numerous other things to deal with...... that pizza looks incredibly appealing right now right?

   Despite the fact I am overweight, trying for a baby, tired all the time and no one would look at me and think 'well she's radiant and looks fantastic she must eat well' it doesn't stop me from taking shortcuts with food.............................90% of the time! I always  make sure Charlie eats well. There is always fruit for him etc but when it comes to me (and hubby when he's here) I just seem to have completely lost my passion for good food. Despite my now size 26, miserable, painful, aching frame convenience seems to win hands down more often then I care to account for.

Then I saw this. Ignoring the fact its in the Daily mail  I was just stunned. They can literally make ANYTHING into a 'ready' meal. This product is the icing on the cake for me. Although commuters and those who take an early breakfast at there office desk seem to approve of this 'ready made boiled egg' it does seem to have created quite a store amongst the majority. This product begs the question, how far is to far when it comes to convenience foods? Has this company gone and taken the last innocent food left in the world and made it into something that will make us feel like we've been naughty after we've consumed it. A bit like a cottage pie from the freezer aisle? or are those that are disgusted with the product just a little neurotic and have to much time on there hands if they have time to worry about something like a ready made egg? Needless to say the eco warriors of the world are not to happy about the product either.

Personally I think we need to find a way to go back to basics. Food is out of control. You can quite literally buy anything processed and modified in some way these days, generally full of preservatives and nasties now. The egg isn't even safe from greedy manufacturers grubby money grabbing hands.