Normally I get brushed off as emotionally unstable (still grieving for last baby), to fat, not enough symptoms, too young to be worrying (I am 24 this month), got plenty of time blah blah blah, But today. Today was different. I was welcomed into a room with a warm smile by a doctor with all the right body language, weird?, perhaps but normally I am welcomed by stiff boards who just want you in and out and look at me as if thinking "oh look the chubby ones back again, still not pregnant, lets make her feel like crap" - even if this is not so, it's how I'm made to feel. Today's doctor however turned to me, not just her head but her whole body, despite running over half an hour late (there was an emergency to deal with I believe) she made me feel as if she had all the time in the world.
She listened intently to my desires, my desire that I wanted to finish my family before I finished Uni so that when i go back into the working world every penny I earn can be spent cherishing the children I have been blessed with and I wanted to be young enough to enjoy them and that I never wanted such a big age gap and would have preferred to have several close together. I am more realistic now in that my big family won't happen but I told her I just want one more chance, a chance to give Charlie a sibling, to do they 'baby thing' one more time.........and she smiled.
Now please don't think me ungrateful. I know how blessed I am to have 1 child but my ovaries? my heart? my womb perhaps? are screaming for a baby. Charlie constantly asks for a baby sister (I think this is more influenced by the fact people assume we want one of each and always saying sister around him - this is not the case, I just want to be PREGNANT!!) and my whole body just aches for the whole process, the pregnancy, the labour, the breastfeeding, the nappies, oh how I love my teeny tiny cloth nappies that i have been stashing away for 2+ years, then there's the first smile, the first time they vomit in your hubby's mouth when he fly's them around like aeroplanes, you wouldn't think they would make the same mistake twice but they do, and so on and so forth. I imagine it's the same feeling women get when they hit 35 and suddenly their body clock is ticking, mines just ticking much earlier than normal!.
She was honest and heart warming and above all thoroughly reassuring and said she was more than willing to help at least see if there is anything wrong with me, but I have to do my bit. I HAVE to shift some weight. So that is what I will do, for real this time because now it's really worth something and I am no longer stuck in my black cloud. On Monday I have to have some blood taken. What happens from that point is yet to be seen but it is a start. It is a step forward. There is no reason for me to hide anymore, whatever the tests reveal I need to move forward. Now just to get hubby to the docs for his sperm test.....wish me luck