'Not Trying, Not Preventing'

Hubby has given up. A new cycle began over a week ago and he came out and "I don't want to 'TRY' anymore". 

It's been just over 3.5 years we've been trying now. My cycles are out of control and my PCOS symptoms are getting worse not better. Even with inositol. 

One of the major downsides to PCOS is getting more than one positive OPK a cycle. It's almost like your body gears up for ovulation and then it just doesn't happen. Well apparently these tests are driving hubby to despair. They are miniature forms of torture because they give you a false sense of hope when actually they were just designed to tease women like me. 

So we've entered this whole 'not trying, not preventing scenario which I've always thought to be a bit of a cop out. Your either trying or your not? But now I'm in this predicament I guess I'm going to have to change my opinion on that. 

I feel completely out of control of the one small thing I had left in my life that I actually had control over. No temping, no testing, now tracking CM ( well he can't really stop that from happening can he?). It's been so long now. We're both feeling drained. I thought I'd be done having kids by now. I think my dream of 4 will be stopping at 2 though. I feel drained and depressed with a side of guilt because whilst I sit here thinking 'why me?' There's couples out there been trying much longer and don't even have 1 kid yet but I can't help how I feel. I wish I could. I know my depression has reared it's ugly head and I'm not sleeping again. Because of my ridiculously long cycles my chances of a 2014 baby are already gone. Unless by some Miracle my cycle is shorter than it is normally. 

This is just a ranty post because I need to let it out some where. I just want to know when it going to be my turn again? 

PCOS: Cycle 1 2014: What are we trying this cycle?

Entering our 4th year of TTC baby no2 and, well, ive given up hope but I'm still not ready to give up trying and yes I know that makes no sense.

Reasons for giving up hope are, hubby and I literally get no time together. Our 4 year old still sleeps with me and has stopped sleeping 7pm -11pm recently which used to be our bit of time together (when he wasnt on lates or sleep ins) but now C is up and down like a yo yo and some nights I wonder why I even bothered climbing the stairs to bed. The lack of sleep and our 8 hours of 'us' time a week seems to have left us bickering worse than ever and we are really good bickerers ;) (is that even a word?).
The other reason is probably clear from the picture in this post. I had just 3 complete cycles in 2013. Just 3 chances to conceive the precious bundle I so desperately long for. 

The first cycle of 2014, because of their longevity, began of the 1st Dec 2013. This cycle im taking the usual Sanatogen mum to be and mumomega and hubby is continuing his wellman reproduction. But this cycle I am also taking inositol which seems to becoming a popular product in the PCOS community and you can read more about it here. I will also Finally be using the kit that was sent to me by the fine people at Zestica.

Today is CD13 so I still have a long way to go going by this years cycles. 
Who knows what 2014 will bring.

Fertility Update- taken another detour.

Pic source: Google

       You may remember back at the start of April I went to see a new doctor who was gracious and offered me help and sent me for blood tests etc which came back normal and I was left feeling like everything was going to be OK. Someone had listened so all was good, right?

WRONG!

       Time ticked by and I patiently waited for for either a positive OPK or a visit from Aunt Flo (sorry guys reading this). Neither came. In fact they still haven't on cycle day 114!!!! Yes you did read that write and no it isn't a miss print I actually mean cycle day One Hundred and Fourteen! **Faints**.
       So cycle day 103 after a tearful and emotional night hubby took himself down to the doctors at 8.15am and basically told the doctors receptionist that he wasn't leaving until I was seen. Alas, they gave him an appointment for me for that day at 10.20am. I took my mother- in- law in for back up in case I broke down and didn't make sense. This doctor like the last one listened and said there was more tests that can be done and I left that day with another form for more bloods (eeeep, needles *faints again*) and also a referral for a scan and the promise of a referral to a specialist. Woo hoo. The scan has come through already but I will probably have a wait for the specialist appointment.
      I am still waiting for the second lot of blood results. But the doctor did prescribe me something called Utovlan which will apparently bring on a visit from Old Aunt Flo after the 10 day course. We'll see. For now things are feeling bleak but hopeful, if that's even possible? Bleak because this time 3 years ago I was just about to fall pregnant with what should have been my fourth baby and 3 years on we're still getting nowhere and my dream of close age gaps has all but fizzled out now. But hopeful because at least things are getting done. If you have any stories about your fertility I would love to here them. Hopeful, sad, happy endings all welcome. Supplement recommendations etc are also welcome. I love hearing about every ones experiences.

The drug of hope ;)

Doctor's Update - Finally someone listened

          In all my previous attempts to get someone to listen to my concerns about how my cycles have been, not just since I actually started my period some 10 years ago, but especially since I lost Rice back in 2010 I have NEVER had such a positive doctors appointment as what I had today!
          Normally I get brushed off as emotionally unstable (still grieving for last baby), to fat, not enough symptoms, too young to be worrying (I am 24 this month), got plenty of time blah blah blah, But today. Today was different. I was welcomed into a room with a warm smile by a doctor with all the right body language, weird?, perhaps but normally I am welcomed by stiff boards who just want you in and out and look at me as if thinking "oh look the chubby ones back again, still not pregnant, lets make her feel like crap" - even if this is not so, it's how I'm made to feel. Today's doctor however turned to me, not just her head but her whole body, despite running over half an hour late (there was an emergency to deal with I believe) she made me feel as if she had all the time in the world.

     
        She listened intently to my desires, my desire that I wanted to finish my family before I finished Uni so that when i go back into the working world every penny I earn can be spent cherishing the children I have been blessed with and I wanted to be young enough to enjoy them and that I never wanted such a big age gap and would have preferred to have several close together. I am more realistic now in that my big family won't happen but I told her I just want one more chance, a chance to give Charlie a sibling, to do they 'baby thing' one more time.........and she smiled.
       Now please don't think me ungrateful. I know how blessed I am to have 1 child but my ovaries? my heart? my womb perhaps? are screaming for a baby. Charlie constantly asks for a baby sister (I think this is more influenced by the fact people assume we want one of each and always saying sister around him - this is not the case, I just want to be PREGNANT!!) and my whole body just aches for the whole process, the pregnancy, the labour, the breastfeeding, the nappies, oh how I love my teeny tiny cloth nappies that i have been stashing away for 2+ years, then there's the first smile, the first time they vomit in your hubby's mouth when he fly's them around like aeroplanes, you wouldn't think they would make the same mistake twice but they do,  and so on and so forth. I imagine it's the same feeling women get when they hit 35 and suddenly their body clock is ticking, mines just ticking much earlier than normal!.

       She was honest and heart warming and above all thoroughly reassuring and said she was more than willing to help at least see if there is anything wrong with me, but I have to do my bit. I HAVE to shift some weight. So that is what I will do, for real this time because now it's really worth something and I am no longer stuck in my black cloud. On Monday I have to have some blood taken. What happens from that point is yet to be seen but it is a start. It is a step forward. There is no reason for me to hide anymore, whatever the tests reveal I need to move forward. Now just to get hubby to the docs for his sperm test.....wish me luck