'Not Trying, Not Preventing'

Hubby has given up. A new cycle began over a week ago and he came out and "I don't want to 'TRY' anymore". 

It's been just over 3.5 years we've been trying now. My cycles are out of control and my PCOS symptoms are getting worse not better. Even with inositol. 

One of the major downsides to PCOS is getting more than one positive OPK a cycle. It's almost like your body gears up for ovulation and then it just doesn't happen. Well apparently these tests are driving hubby to despair. They are miniature forms of torture because they give you a false sense of hope when actually they were just designed to tease women like me. 

So we've entered this whole 'not trying, not preventing scenario which I've always thought to be a bit of a cop out. Your either trying or your not? But now I'm in this predicament I guess I'm going to have to change my opinion on that. 

I feel completely out of control of the one small thing I had left in my life that I actually had control over. No temping, no testing, now tracking CM ( well he can't really stop that from happening can he?). It's been so long now. We're both feeling drained. I thought I'd be done having kids by now. I think my dream of 4 will be stopping at 2 though. I feel drained and depressed with a side of guilt because whilst I sit here thinking 'why me?' There's couples out there been trying much longer and don't even have 1 kid yet but I can't help how I feel. I wish I could. I know my depression has reared it's ugly head and I'm not sleeping again. Because of my ridiculously long cycles my chances of a 2014 baby are already gone. Unless by some Miracle my cycle is shorter than it is normally. 

This is just a ranty post because I need to let it out some where. I just want to know when it going to be my turn again? 

I OVULATED!!!! (I think) - TTC, current cycle.

This cycle is going rather well, well compared to normal anyways. For a start I'VE OVUATED. For definate. I think for definate. 

Last Friday marked 3 years since I last got a BFP. Progressively over the week my ovulation tests had gotten darker and darker and then Friday (26th July 2013) the test line became darker then the control line and I sobbed. Happy sobs but sobbed all the same.  

For several cycles now my ovulation tests have never gotten quite dark enough to be called 'positive'  so my excitement led me to try a digital test. My heart was pounding whilst it was 'reading' my test I actually thought it was going to fall out of my chest. And then.... The smiley face came (see pic at end of post). 

I thought I was going to faint. I couldn't believe it. I was so excited and then a bit gutted as hubby was on a sleep in, he's a support worker and does the occasional 23 hour shift of which he happened to be on that night. 

All was not lost though and I can assure you, my dear readers that we have done everything we can to 'try' this weekend. Including using pre seed for the first time.   I will do a review on this at some point. 

Last but not least these positive ovulation tests happened on cycle day 40. My last cycle was a whopping 128 days so I'm relieved at this happening now meaning this cycle should be over one way or another in 2 weeks time. 

So happy right now I can't tell you. Please keep everything crossed for me, pray for me of you believe in god. Send your bucket load of baby dust it would make my millennium if this was my time.  I'll let you know.  ;)