Anger, Break ups and then the best news ever (almost)!

I haven't blogged for a while. I will be honest, it's simply because I have been in a bad place and I didn't want my blog filled with negativity. So I decided it was best to stay away until I got my self together. You'll be pleased to know I have :).
August and September are always hard for us. Every year's the same as we remember our Angel's anniversaries tensions get fraught and this year the 26th September marked 3 years since our last loss. Our 'rice' as the baby was nicknamed. The last piece of our puzzle, our perfect age gap, our souls were destroyed that day.
Many of you will have been in similar circumstances I'm sure. Losing a baby, at any stage, changes everything. The way you feel about about yourself, each other, the guilt, the grief, the what if's? Even though people tell I should be grateful for what I have and move on, I can't. Intact it's one of my most hated statements ever. 'Move on'? Never. Gonna. Happen.
This year has been probably the worst so far. There was so much anger and hate in this house and I felt so neglected with hubby working so much I just couldn't take it anymore and I thought the best thing to do was leave. I applied for a housing association home near my mother and got all mine and C's important documents ready and I really was ready to leave.

I didn't leave.

I wasn't scared, I had plenty of support around me so the transition would have been relatively easy, for me. I have no idea how C would have responded. That did scare and worry me a little.
Nothing in life is easy though is it. Grieving for a baby you wanted so desperately certainly isn't easy. Even 3 years later.
It has been worth staying though, I think, for now. I am slowly actually putting some effort into rebuilding myself. Forcing myself to talk to people and I have been pleasantly surprised by the outcome.
And the good news? We see our fertility consultant for the first time on the 31st October. I cannot wait to get this process going and hopefully give C a little Bro or Sis SOON!! Six months of almost non stop tests has definitely been worth it :).


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Our Butlins excitement.

     I applied to be a Butlins Ambassador this year. It was a long shot and I knew that. My blog is fairly new compared to other fantastic bloggers out there and my lack of Facebook likers and twitter follower numbers didn't stead in my favour,  but still when I got my 'rejection' email I was a little disappointed.

     My mum came by yesterday with a surprise up her sleeve. It's been a hard year in lots of ways, ways we don't talk about to anybody, but my mum declared that she wanted to pay for a break for us to give us something to look forward too, a 3 night weekend break in October - to Butlins. We literally could not be more grateful for this and are really excited. It's going to do us all the world of good and as my mum paid for the premium dining package also we've not got to worry about trying to find to much spending money, after all there is plenty of free things for Charlie to do all day and all the way up to bedtime and then some!

    I will do more blog posts on the run up to our break away. We've been to Butlins twice since Charlie was born and its great family break away in the UK.

Latest Baby Bargain - #TTC baby stash

Just a quick post to share with you my latest baby bargain. I've not bought anything for a while and have taken a break from adding to my nappy stash until I am actually pregnant but when I got my smiley face last weekend I couldn't help but have a peek at baby stuff on eBay. And that's when I came across a sleep sack, brand new for a bargain £1.99 plus £2.45 1st class recorded delivery. It's Arrived today and its better than I expected. I thought it would be seconds or have a fault of some sort but it doesn't. It's nice and thin maybe 0.5 tog so ideal if my next baby will be like Charlie and get boiling hot even in the peak of winter- most definitely takes after his dad there!!! 

Anyway if you want to get one for yourself it's eBay item number: 251273921762 sorry I can't post a link as I'm blogging via my iPod. Oh the sack says its for ages 3-9 months. 

Here's the picture I stole from the listing itself :p 

I OVULATED!!!! (I think) - TTC, current cycle.

This cycle is going rather well, well compared to normal anyways. For a start I'VE OVUATED. For definate. I think for definate. 

Last Friday marked 3 years since I last got a BFP. Progressively over the week my ovulation tests had gotten darker and darker and then Friday (26th July 2013) the test line became darker then the control line and I sobbed. Happy sobs but sobbed all the same.  

For several cycles now my ovulation tests have never gotten quite dark enough to be called 'positive'  so my excitement led me to try a digital test. My heart was pounding whilst it was 'reading' my test I actually thought it was going to fall out of my chest. And then.... The smiley face came (see pic at end of post). 

I thought I was going to faint. I couldn't believe it. I was so excited and then a bit gutted as hubby was on a sleep in, he's a support worker and does the occasional 23 hour shift of which he happened to be on that night. 

All was not lost though and I can assure you, my dear readers that we have done everything we can to 'try' this weekend. Including using pre seed for the first time.   I will do a review on this at some point. 

Last but not least these positive ovulation tests happened on cycle day 40. My last cycle was a whopping 128 days so I'm relieved at this happening now meaning this cycle should be over one way or another in 2 weeks time. 

So happy right now I can't tell you. Please keep everything crossed for me, pray for me of you believe in god. Send your bucket load of baby dust it would make my millennium if this was my time.  I'll let you know.  ;) 

Are ready meals taking over our lives?

   I find it crazy to think that if my Great, Great Grandmother was alive now she wouldn't recognise half of the food we eat today. We're living in a world now where we're looking more for convenience and forgetting about our health. A £2 pizza and a £1.47 bag of oven chips that can cook in less than 20 minutes over a chicken, potatoes and vegetables that not only take time to prepare but can take anything up to 2 hours to cook and costs more towards the £7 mark seems so much more appealing both financially and  time wise in our current time poor money even poorer (I know, no extra marks for good English here!) lives.

   I love a Sunday roast as much as anyone. But the preparation, the time, and even the cost sometimes can put me off a little. Then there's the mountain of washing up, which hubby does most of the time, but it just fills me with dread. 3 hours of my day when I have a child, studying, cleaning and numerous other things to deal with...... that pizza looks incredibly appealing right now right?

   Despite the fact I am overweight, trying for a baby, tired all the time and no one would look at me and think 'well she's radiant and looks fantastic she must eat well' it doesn't stop me from taking shortcuts with food.............................90% of the time! I always  make sure Charlie eats well. There is always fruit for him etc but when it comes to me (and hubby when he's here) I just seem to have completely lost my passion for good food. Despite my now size 26, miserable, painful, aching frame convenience seems to win hands down more often then I care to account for.

Then I saw this. Ignoring the fact its in the Daily mail  I was just stunned. They can literally make ANYTHING into a 'ready' meal. This product is the icing on the cake for me. Although commuters and those who take an early breakfast at there office desk seem to approve of this 'ready made boiled egg' it does seem to have created quite a store amongst the majority. This product begs the question, how far is to far when it comes to convenience foods? Has this company gone and taken the last innocent food left in the world and made it into something that will make us feel like we've been naughty after we've consumed it. A bit like a cottage pie from the freezer aisle? or are those that are disgusted with the product just a little neurotic and have to much time on there hands if they have time to worry about something like a ready made egg? Needless to say the eco warriors of the world are not to happy about the product either.

Personally I think we need to find a way to go back to basics. Food is out of control. You can quite literally buy anything processed and modified in some way these days, generally full of preservatives and nasties now. The egg isn't even safe from greedy manufacturers grubby money grabbing hands.

Fertility Update - Test Results part 1

      Do you ever just sit back and wonder when a bit of luck may come your way? That's what I was doing last week when I rang the docs last week and then the receptionist told me my blood results and then said "Oh your scan results are back too- do you want them?" and suddenly the world stopped spinning.
"No action required" she said.
Well that's amazing I thought. No more needles or scans until hubby has had his sperm analysis.
"I'll make you an appointment to come and discuss the findings with a doctor"

And just like that she burst my bubble. Like the pic? It's stolen from google. Good isn't it?. Anyway, lots of questions were swimming round my head at the moment and well you know me I never process anything that effectively and for a few minutes I did panic a bit. Then I was left feeling a bit what the......? (feel free to insert your own swear word here, remember it's a family blog though people!).
So as it stands all my bloods are 'normal', a few cysts were picked up on the scan but I was reassured that they were of no concern at the moment, but I guess I'll find out more Friday. There were 'a few cysts' on my ovaries when I was scanned back in 2008 when we were struggling to conceive last time but I have conceived twice since then. Even if one did end in miscarriage so how much trouble could they be causing? Well? You don't know do you? Nor me. Roll on Friday.

Hubby's sperm analysis is the 2nd of July. If that comes back normal too I'm curious to know what happens next. Will we lose our place in the fertility clinic? Is that it we just give up? Keep trying? What? Who knows.
It's amazing the effect all this has on a marriage though. For all the women I have spoken too this process either brings them closer together or they drift slightly apart [from their husbands], only during the testing phase when everything is all up in the air and unknown. I'm sad to say we are the latter. I have never quite felt so distant from my husband as I do right now. More my fault then his, my desire for another child is quite literally taking over all that I am, and him? Well I think he's OK. He's happy and feels lucky to have Charlie as he got what he has always wanted. A son name Charlie. Me? I seem to be unable to shake this NEED to give Charlie a sibling, someone to play with, grow up with, rely on when they are older and hubby and I are no longer here. I seem to have this ache constantly inside of me that I just can't shake off. Like I am MEANT to have more babies, but just can't. Then I am hit with the guilt and shame of being so desperate for another baby when there's women out there going through this exact same process that don't even have one, that have never even seen a positive pregnancy test. Then for a brief time I think 'what will be will be' and then as quick as you can imagine the aching and longing come back again..........

Fertility Update- taken another detour.

Pic source: Google

       You may remember back at the start of April I went to see a new doctor who was gracious and offered me help and sent me for blood tests etc which came back normal and I was left feeling like everything was going to be OK. Someone had listened so all was good, right?

WRONG!

       Time ticked by and I patiently waited for for either a positive OPK or a visit from Aunt Flo (sorry guys reading this). Neither came. In fact they still haven't on cycle day 114!!!! Yes you did read that write and no it isn't a miss print I actually mean cycle day One Hundred and Fourteen! **Faints**.
       So cycle day 103 after a tearful and emotional night hubby took himself down to the doctors at 8.15am and basically told the doctors receptionist that he wasn't leaving until I was seen. Alas, they gave him an appointment for me for that day at 10.20am. I took my mother- in- law in for back up in case I broke down and didn't make sense. This doctor like the last one listened and said there was more tests that can be done and I left that day with another form for more bloods (eeeep, needles *faints again*) and also a referral for a scan and the promise of a referral to a specialist. Woo hoo. The scan has come through already but I will probably have a wait for the specialist appointment.
      I am still waiting for the second lot of blood results. But the doctor did prescribe me something called Utovlan which will apparently bring on a visit from Old Aunt Flo after the 10 day course. We'll see. For now things are feeling bleak but hopeful, if that's even possible? Bleak because this time 3 years ago I was just about to fall pregnant with what should have been my fourth baby and 3 years on we're still getting nowhere and my dream of close age gaps has all but fizzled out now. But hopeful because at least things are getting done. If you have any stories about your fertility I would love to here them. Hopeful, sad, happy endings all welcome. Supplement recommendations etc are also welcome. I love hearing about every ones experiences.

The drug of hope ;)